Conversations last week:

Landlord: I'd prefer a female tenant so she can play with my daughter.
Me: (thinking) No child touches Muffy!

Friend: Let's go to IHOP.
Me: I haven't been in 10 years because they served me food that came out of a can. It retained the can shape and can stripes.
Friend + dad: IHOP is really good now.
Me: (after ordering) My salsa and ham cubes can out of a can. Pancakes. Must stick to pancakes.

Friend: What are you going to do after you graduate?
Me: My cat and I are moving to Michigan. We're going to live in C's closet. We'll sneak in under the cover of silent frozen night, pick the lock, throw out whatever's in the closet, and move in. It's like adverse possession except my cat and I can summon the power of gravity and become immovable.
Friend: Can I come?

Muffy: Wake up you can't go to bed yet.
Me: Since when does a cat dictate my bedtime.
Muffy: (vomits all over my bed) Wake up and play with me.

I also discovered Target now has knock offs of my favorite jeans. When you're my size, it's hard to find anything that fits, so I buy my jeans at Uniqlo, a Japanese store with one US outlet in New York. They're $40, fit well and look good. Well, Target now sells them for $14....Why don't they copy Sevens? I mean I try hard to pass my sub-$100 jeans off as somewhat designer, and here Target just tells the world, hey she possibly bought the same pair (they're good knock offs) at our store!